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Field After Field, Song After Song

90s country music takes me back to Saturday mornings in Southwest Georgia, when my dad, my brother, and I would climb into an old two-toned orange and white 1979 Chevy truck we called "Timex," because that thing "took a lickin' and kept on tickin'"

No air conditioning. No mercy from the sun.

Just rolled-down windows, hot vinyl seats, sweaty towels, ham sandwiches, chips, and a cooler full of sodas sweating right along with us.

Those Saturdays, we drove hundreds of miles across several counties checking rain gauges for one of the local peanut companies. Each field had its own little measure of mercy standing out there in the dirt, waiting to tell us what the sky had given and what it withheld.

Some were off highways. Some were down dirt roads.

Some were tucked so far back it felt like the land had swallowed the road whole.

One of us would run the gauge while the other wrote down the number for the week. Then we'd reset it and move on.

Field after field. County after county.

The data went back to the peanut company so they could see which contracted farmers were getting rain, especially the dryland fields with no irrigation to save them, just like our own land.

And while those gauges weren't supposed to sit under a center pivot, more than once we found ourselves caught in the wrong place when one started walking across a field like some long-legged iron ghost.

The rain mattered. In that country, rain wasn't just weather. It was debt, crop, prayer, and judgment. It was the difference between holding on and going under.

And through all of it, the radio stayed on.

Most days it was 95.5 WTVY out of Dothan, Alabama, carrying itself through the cab like a fourth passenger on a crowded bench seat.

Alan Jackson, Aaron Tippin, Shenandoah, Sammy Kershaw, John Michael Montgomery, Joe Diffie, Clay Walker, Brooks and Dunn, George Strait, Garth Brooks, Clint Black, The Tractors, John Anderson, Faith Hill, George Jones, and so many more.

Their voices rode with us through the dust, the heat shimmer, the sudden storms, and the long stretches where nobody had much to say.

That music became part of the work. It was stitched into the smell of hot metal and burning oil, the slap of weeds and briars against our legs, the red dirt on our shoes, and the strange quiet that falls over farmland in the middle of a searing afternoon.

We saw farms like ours, farms with better equipment and bigger money, and farms trying hard to look stronger than they were.

We learned the roads. We learned the fields. We learned how people tried to survive out there without saying too much about what it cost them.

Those were hard, hot days, but I remember them with fondness. Whatever trouble time laid over our family, those drives remain one of the good rooms in my memory. It was just the three of us, making a little extra money, burning up in that old truck, laughing when we could, and letting those songs carry us from one rain gauge to the next on our map.

That's what 90s country means to me.

It's not nostalgia without weight. It's not some easy longing for a past that never hurt.

It's the sound of being young in a place that was already teaching me about labor, weather, family, want, and endurance.

It's the sound of looking out over peanut rows and imagining that life might someday open wider than those backroads, even as the land was busy marking me in ways I wouldn't understand until much later in life.

“Farmer’s Daughter” grew out of these memories. It's a playful homage to the country music I came up on, but it carries the dust of those Saturdays underneath it.

It's for the radio in that old orange and white '79, for the highways and backroads we learned by heart, for the rain we measured, for the heat we endured, and for the boy I was back then, riding through the fields and dreaming about what the future might sound like.

Audiences for Touring Broadway Shows are Exhausting

I have reached the point where I started to dread going to see touring Broadway productions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the performers on stage.

The productions themselves are often excellent. The casts are talented. The orchestras are strong. The staging and technical production is impressive given the realities of moving a major show from city to city.

The problem is increasingly the audiences.

Over the last few years, I have noticed a steady decline in theater etiquette at touring productions. Not occasional distractions. Not the inevitable cough or dropped Playbill. No, I mean a constant stream of behavior that would have been considered unacceptable not very long ago.

For example, yesterday was Beauty and the Beast at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. The Fox! People were still up and down all night, phones out the whole time. The woman in front of me had hers up maybe ninety-five percent of the show. Scrolling. Texting. I swear to God she was on the Applebee's website.

Earlier this year I saw Les Misérables in Fort Lauderdale. I traveled nine hours each way. Hadn't seen it in thirty years. I watched more people going back and forth to the bathroom than I watched the show.

That's not two bad nights, either. Phones stay out through half the show even after the announcements. Not a quick glance. More like someone at home half-watching Netflix while they scroll Instagram and wait on DoorDash. People talk at normal volume during scenes that matter. Whole rows get up two or three times in one act. Screens pop on because somebody needs to check a text or confirm what time it is. People rush out before the end like their team is losing and they're trying to beat traffic.

The part that gets me is most of them don't seem to notice they're ruining it for everyone around them.

A Long-Awaited Exhale

For most of my life, I thought everybody's brain was about like mine. Loud, busy, and hard to steer.

I figured other people were just better at keeping theirs in the lane. That was the story I had.

They could sit still. They could start the thing they didn't want to start. They could schedule the appointment, make the call, answer the email, finish a small task, then move on with their day like it hadn't cost them anything.

I thought I was lazy. Or weak in some way nobody had named out loud yet.

School taught me how to fake my way around it.

I could read a chapter three times and come away with almost nothing. Then a teacher would tell some sideways story in class, not even part of the lesson, and I'd remember the whole thing years later in detail. I could put off a paper until the night before, write it half-crazed at the kitchen table, and get a better grade than I did on the one I had tried to do the right way.

Nobody called that a pattern, not then.

Teachers said I was bright but scattered. Smart but unfocused. Capable of more, if only I would apply myself.

I heard that enough times that it stopped sounding like an opinion. It sounded like a verdict.

And I believed it.

With a Quiet Hand

Trigger Warning

This piece reflects on death, rest, and the tenderness of being carried from this life.

I hope death comes like a quiet hand lifting me from the backseat, half-asleep, carrying me to my bed, where, tucked beneath familiar blankets and with eyes closed, the gentle voices of those I love pass through a cracked door, holding me a moment longer in their warmth as I slip into rest.

That is still the gentlest image I know for leaving this world. Not terror. Not noise. Not some grand and blinding revelation. Just the old mercy of being too tired to walk on your own and trusting that someone strong and familiar will carry you the rest of the way.

My memories of safety began in the backseat of a car at night. The tires humming. A light waiting at the end of the drive. Low voices drifting from the front seat while I hovered at the edge of sleep. Sometimes waking just enough to know we were home, then feeling someone lifting me before I ever had to stand and drifting deeper into sleep.

One arm under my knees, one hand at my back, my head against a shoulder.

No understanding the house in the dark. Only trusting the arms carrying me through it.

I hope it comes that way. I hope I am tucked beneath something familiar. I hope the voices of those I love reach me through a cracked door for one moment longer. I hope the end feels less like being taken than being brought home.

If I am granted that kind of mercy, it will be enough.

A Kind of Tiredness That Gets Into Everything

The moment that finally made me admit it wasn't dramatic at all. Early morning in the home office, I was just sitting in my chair and I said it out loud.

"I'm exhausted. I'm burning out."

Nothing was actively wrong in that particular second. No alarm going off. No argument. No fresh bad news. Just the usual screen glow, a chair I've spent too many hours in, a few tabs open, and that strange hush that sometimes falls in the middle of an ordinary day when your mind stops long enough to catch up with your body.

And what I realized, sitting there, wasn't a feeling so much as a weight. The weight of every small unfinished thing. Every obligation with my name on it. Every text I hadn't answered yet, every errand still waiting, every decision still asking to be made, every part of life that needed some steady portion of me I wasn't sure I had available.

It was one of those moments where the boundaries disappear. Work was in it, yes, but so was the house, the calendar, the relationships, the noise, the constant low-grade management of being a person alive in the world. I remember sitting there and thinking, very plainly, this is heavier than I've been willing to say out loud.

Busy != Important

I am not naturally good at time management. I can make a list, rearrange the list, rewrite the list in a better app, and still end the day with the uncomfortable feeling that I mostly attended to noise. The inbox moved. The calendar happened. A dozen small things got handled. The important work, the thing I knew mattered before the day started, somehow survived untouched.

That is the trap. Busy feels defensible. Busy gives you evidence. Busy lets you point at a full calendar and say, "See, I did things."

But a full calendar is not the same as a useful day.

Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon professor best known for The Last Lecture, gave a famous talk on time management that included his adaptation of the Eisenhower/Covey Matrix. The model is simple: sort work by two questions.

  • Is it important?
  • Is it urgent?

That gives you four buckets.

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What Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture Still Teaches Us Still

Some books comfort you. Others hold up a mirror.

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch does a little of both.

Pausch was a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University. In 2006, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. By September 18, 2007, after learning the cancer had returned and that he had only months left to live, he gave his now-famous lecture, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams."

The talk became a book, but the real reason it endures is simpler than its title suggests:

It's not about dying. It's about how to live while you're still here.

That distinction matters. A lot of writing about mortality becomes soft around the edges. Pausch did something better. He stayed funny, practical, and honest about disappointment, work, family, and the ways adults drift from what once made them feel alive.

Today, him words feel especially clarifying because modern life is crowded with noise. We optimize calendars, answer messages at red lights, and confuse urgency with importance. We get very efficient at moving and very unclear about where we are going.

Pausch's voice cuts through that. He keeps asking a hard, useful question:

What would you do differently if you stopped pretending you had unlimited time?

Validity and Consequence

The porch light flickered in the stagnant heat.

"Well, that didn't feel a bit of good. What was you aimin' for with that?" I said, my skin prickling under the weight of her stare. "What were you aimin' for?"

I felt the hackles rise like a dog backed into a corner of the yard.

"Reckon you could find a different way to say your piece?" I stammered.

She spat into the dust, her eyes as cold and gray as a dry creek bed.

"Your feelin's are valid," she said, her voice a low rattle. "But your feelin's are your own, and I ain't sayin' they're wrong. Tho the way you went and acted on 'em sure is. Just 'cause you’re bleedin' don't give you the right to stain my floors."

The screen door slapped shut behind her.

Signal vs. Noise

I can lose twenty minutes in the space between one text message and putting my phone back down. It starts innocently enough: a quick reply, a glance at a notification, one email that looks like it might matter. Then a chat badge catches my eye, a tab is still open from earlier, something needs clearing, something else looks interesting, and suddenly I am standing in the middle of my own day wondering where time went.

That is the strange part about modern distraction. It rarely feels dramatic while it is happening. It feels ordinary. A buzz on the phone. A red dot on an app. A message that might need a reply. A scroll that promises to take only a second. Most of it is small enough to justify in the moment, but together it becomes a weather system.

Lately, I have been trying to separate what is asking for my attention from what deserves it.

Noise is the stuff that asks for my attention without earning it. It is the constant stream of alerts, chat notifications, text messages, newsletters I do not remember signing up for, promotional emails pretending to be useful, app badges, algorithmic feeds, and the endless scroll that turns curiosity into a kind of low-grade drift. Noise is not always bad in isolation. Sometimes it is funny, interesting, or even useful. Sometimes it is a person I care about, reaching out for a perfectly good reason. The problem is not that every interruption is worthless. The problem is that everything now arrives with the confidence of something urgent.

Signal is quieter. It is deep work that needs a little room before it opens up. It is an unhurried conversation with someone I love. It is reading something that changes the shape of my thinking. It is being present with my family, making something with my hands, going for a walk, writing, learning, listening, or simply letting my mind be still long enough to notice what I have been carrying.

The signal usually does not shout. That is why I have to protect it.

What the Red Clay Keeps

Trigger Warning

This piece includes themes of loss, grief, and hard mercy. Please proceed with care.

There are places in the South where mercy rots before it ripens. You can feel it in the sag of a porch beam, in the black water holding still beneath the cypress knees, in the red clay that clings to a boot like a hand unwilling to let go. Even in winter the land keeps its fever. Spanish moss hangs from the trees like old church lace gone gray with grief. Cicadas are long dead by January, but their husks still cling to fence posts and bark, the empty shape of a thing that sang itself raw and left its shell behind.

This is the country of crumbling sheds and cedar slats silvered by weather, where small lives are counted at daybreak and losses are folded into chores before breakfast. The air smells of ping, wet straw, heat, stale prayer, and the sour sweetness of something too long confined. Somewhere a mother lowers her voice because the truth sounds uglier spoken aloud. Somewhere a father studies the ground as though judgment might be written in the red clay. Before anything happens, you already know everybody here has inherited something they did not choose and will not escape.